How to Be a Writer in 3 Easy Steps

Congratulations, you’ve just stepped into my first instructional post: How to Be a Writer in 3 Easy Steps!

Let’s get one thing clear from the start; this is not an article about how to be a professional writer—but merely, how to be a writer.

STEP ONE

Talk about how much you love writing. You don’t even have to have ever written before. Just talk about it. Talk about self-help books, or New Yorker articles, how clever you think Cracker Barrel’s copywriters must be because their sign says “chicken n’ yummmplin’s.” Read Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight so you don’t feel left out when people talk about how poorly it’s written.  Do what you have to do to make sure people know you love to write.

STEP TWO

Leave engagements early claiming that you have writing to do. Refuse to make plans with your friends because your novel “isn’t going to write itself!” Become a hermit. Die alone. Writers can only have friends if they are other writers, and let’s get real you’re not going to meet any of those because they’re all at home “working on their novel.”

STEP THREE

Do absolutely no writing whatsoever. It’s part of being a writer; you must promise yourself—or someone you love, or everyone you know—that you are going to go work on your writing, and then just not do it. It’s a rite of passage. It is a must. If you have trouble with this step, I suggest browsing Facebook or Twitter. It’s especially helpful to read articles about how to improve your writing, or retweet inspirational quotes about being a writer and how much work it is, in lieu of getting any actual writing done. So recap: get twitter, retweet @Novelicious, bing bang boom—get nothing done. You’re a writer now.

And that’s how to be a writer—the easy way.
Keep an eye out for my future post: How to Be a Writer in 3 Difficult Steps.